THE government has raised its virus alert level to 'pantastic' after it was confirmed that two people in Scotland were hovering close to feeling slightly unwell.
The pair, from one of the dozens of non-descript hell-holes between Edinburgh and Glasgow, were admitted to hospital yesterday when their condition was described as 'critically fuzzy'.
Doctors said they were now 90% certain the couple were suffering from Pork Flu as opposed to a common strain of Scottish Influenza, also known as a bastard hangover.
Dr Tom Logan, from the Royal Infirmary of Scotland, said: "Scottish flu is particularly common at this time of year as the weather becomes milder and the days longer, meaning everyone spends even more time in the pub than usual, mainly because they can stand outside all night smoking hundreds of fags."
He added: "I would not be surprised if over the next few days we see thousands of Scottish people coming forward reeking of cheap wine and claiming to have spent the weekend in Mexico City."
A Department of Health spokesman said: "We are almost certainly facing a pandemic and there is now nothing we can do to stop quite a few people being given some pills and told to stay home and watch Murder She Wrote.
"However, we are urging those infected not to watch Grey's Anatomy on Living TV. It won't make their illness any worse, but it will make them much, much worse – as people."
Meanwhile in America more than 40 people have been confirmed as feeling a bit peaky, including one woman who really had to sit down.
