MEN who spent their 20s and 30s in an endless cavalcade of frenzied masturbation will die because of it, according to a new study.
Researchers have confirmed that years of determined self-abuse will leave you with a malignant prostate the size of a clenched fist, leading to an embarrassing death and a legacy of unutterable shame.
The Institute for Studies asked 800 men how often they had sex or masturbated between the age of 20 and 40. They then divided the first figure by ten and multiplied the latter by 100 before asking them to bend over and separate their buttock flaps.
After inspection, those who claimed they masturbated 40 times a month were stared at silently by a female researcher sucking a pen until they mumbled 'eighty', and finally 'okay, at least 120'.
Professor Henry Brubaker, said: "There will be millions of worried men out there tonight desperately counting up all the wanks they've ever had.
"Ladies, if your husband or boyfriend is frantically punching numbers into a calculator and rubbing his brow, then make him a cup of tea and some cheese on toast. He's probably in for some rather bad news."
Tom Logan, an estate agent from Croydon, said: "I know I had sex maybe 18 or 19 times, but the wanking? Christ knows. Remember, this was all pre X-box. There was, quite literally, nothing else to do."
The Vatican last night welcomed the findings but admitted it posed a huge dilemma for organised religion.
A spokesman said: "Naturally we're delighted our warnings have been vindicated. However, it does also suggest that there is no god, or if there is, then he's probably a woman."