We might be forced to talk to patients, say terrified senior doctors

SENIOR doctors have condemned plans for strike action by junior colleagues because it may lead to them communicating directly with patients. 

Hospital specialists and consultants say that after years of sweeping past beds discussing the suffering as abstract medical problems set by a vexatious examiner, they no longer have the skills to actually speak to them.

Dr Joseph Turner of Northampton said: “I mean, what would one say?

“I would honestly find it less disconcerting to have a chat with an aggressive tumour. At least I’m actually interested in them.

“The juniors can deal with the ‘emotions’ that these patients claim to feel, which don’t show up on their notes. I prefer them anaesthetised. The noise can be distracting.”

Student doctors have agreed that while they are happy to gather in huge groups and stare dumbly into patients’ most private orifices while taking notes, responding to sounds made by the larynx and vocal cords would not be appropriate.