Wetherspoons to open in A&E

PUB chain Wetherspoons is to open outlets in accident and emergency departments for injured brawlers who want another drink.

The hospital pubs will cater primarily for the weekend crowd of young, bleeding partygoers who have just been in a drunken, violent fight about nothing.

A spokesman said: “These outlets will be designed in a way that is sensitive to the other patients. There won’t be any loud music or fruit machines. Just booze, value for money food and a fag machine.

“They will also have appropriate names like ‘The 16 Stitches’, ‘The Mutiple Contusion’ and ‘The Face and Bottle’.”

He added: “There is a long tradition of drunk people having their limbs sawn off going back to the Napoleonic wars. Admittedly they were soldiers and sailors rather than people outside a kebab shop receiving a shoeing that was largely their own fault.”

Julian Cook, who gets in a fight with a human or an object most weekends, said: “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with enjoying a pint and a cajun platter while waiting for your head to be pieced back together.

“And I will of course behave responsibly, as long as none of you fuckers gives me a funny look.”