Wetherspoons To Open In A&E
PUB chain Wetherspoons is to open outlets in accident and emergency departments for injured brawlers who want another drink.
The hospital pubs will cater primarily for the weekend crowd of young, bleeding partygoers who have just been in a drunken, violent fight about nothing.
A spokesman said: “These outlets will be designed in a way that is sensitive to the other patients. There won’t be any loud music or fruit machines. Just booze, value for money food and a fag machine.
“They will also have appropriate names like ‘The 16 Stitches’, ‘The Mutiple Contusion’ and ‘The Face and Bottle’.”
He added: “There is a long tradition of drunk people having their limbs sawn off going back to the Napoleonic wars. Admittedly they were soldiers and sailors rather than people who had received a shoeing outside a kebab shop that was largely their own fault.”
A&E consultant, Dr Roy Hobbs, said: “There is a fear that drunk, aggressive people will continue to drink and become more aggressive if they are effectively being stretchered into another pub.
“However I’d prefer them to be unconscious through drink rather than three-quarters pissed and trying to bite my face off.”
Julian Cook, who gets in a fight with a human or an object most weekends, said: “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with enjoying a pint and a cajun platter while waiting for your head to be pieced back together.
“And I will of course behave responsibly, as long as none of you fuckers gives me a funny look.”