You’re covered in shit, say experts

FOR Christ’s sake stop touching each other with your filthy hands, experts have warned.

Manky shit-fest

The Institute for Studies found that most people in Britain are covered in their own faeces and said it was now moving its headquarters to Zurich.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Get the fuck away from me.”

He added: “If you are in a meeting today be aware that the person sitting across from you has probably just been for a shit without washing their hands and that they are thinking exactly the same thing about you.

“Meanwhile, you have all just shaken hands so their shit is now on you and your shit is now on them.

“But don’t let that distract you from your important business.”

Professor Brubaker continued: “Why can’t you just wash your hands? Why, in the name of God, can you not just wash your hands?

“Presumably you can see the sinks all lined up when you come out of the cubicle. Perhaps you think they’re a special kind of toilet for people who prefer to defecate three feet off the ground.

“Don’t touch me.”