Berlusconi parties a bit vanilla

THE parties held by penis-wielding former premier Silvio Berlusconi have shocked Italy with their lack of imagination.

They may as well have been having afternoon tea

As Berlusconi stands trial for breaking up to three of Italy’s 14 laws, young women have revealed details which have left middle-aged millionaires looking for decadence pointers deeply disappointed.

Wayne Hayes, a bloated and spiritually-empty property magnate, from Carlisle said “I’ve been reading the transcripts to look for new things to do with livestock or lemon curd to cause some flicker of sensation in the dead coals of my soul.

“But stripper nuns, hookers and drugs are the kind of things you’d find at your average regional sales conference at the start of your career, not from somebody running the country.”

Sexual deviancy has been written into the Italian constitution since the emperor Claudius followed Caligula’s four year stint of having sex with everything in Rome, including random concepts such as wistfulness and regret, with a period of unheard-of abstinence.

Berlusconi first came to power in 1994 on a campaign promising more municipal sex swings and a restructuring of the country’s outdated dogging facilities.

However, in his later years he finally lost his grip on power due to an increasing insistence on just having sex with lots and lots of women who were not his wife, as well as some dissatisfaction with the economy.

Hayes said: “Berlusconi has always been held up as the John Bonham of the lurid party world but this trial clearly shows he’s little more than a Ringo Starr of doing despicable things with his genitals. No more heroes.”