Bono claims victory in Myanmar elections

BONO has taken power in Myanmar following three decades of tireless campaigning.

The ruling military junta has conceded defeat to U2, which fought the election on a platform of transparency, democracy, and vague, mawkish cliches about hope.

President-elect Bono said: “My entire career, from those black and white photos in the desert, to jumping out of a mechanical lemon, to the whole iTunes thing, has been building up to this moment.

“My very first priorities will be a new city-centre hotel, a nice big stadium, and an urgent reform of the tax laws.”

Defeated former leader Thein Sein said: “I can’t believe we lost to a man who once rhymed ‘high’ with ‘sky’, and ‘mole’ with ‘hole’, in the same song.”

Tickets for U2’s victory rally in Yangon are now on sale, priced at £300 each.