Britain pins gold medal hopes on relaunch of empire

SEBASTIAN Coe has urged the government to start annexing small defenceless countries to boost Team GB’s medal hopes.

Countries would receive a 'Welcome to the Empire' DVD presented by Colin Firth

With the host country yet to win a gold medal, the hope is that invasion forces can be deployed as soon as a nation with an inadequate army reaches a final.

Template dossiers have been drawn up accusing the country in question of harbouring terrorists, trying to develop nuclear weapons or looking really like India, options which military chiefs can delete as applicable on reaching the country’s government headquarters.

Coe said: “We would give the countries their sovereignty back once the games were over, of course, and you can ask people anywhere in the world what our record is like on that score. Actually, don’t.”

With over 200 nations competing in the Olympics, the choice of countries to invade is huge but Coe acknowledges that a balance has to be struck between the probability of a nation winning gold in judo and how likely it is to wage a ten-year guerrilla war of resistance.

Another scheme under consideration is ceding Britain’s nationhood to one of the Olympic big-hitters, offering up Bradley Wiggins, Tom Daley and cream tea at Buckingham Palace as an inducement.

Coe said: “As they’re leading the medals table, I would have no problem being Chinese for a few weeks.

“In fact I do a pretty good impression, if you’re not easily offended.”