Business As Usual For Russian Poisoners

RUSSIA'S new president has told the nation's army of poisoners it is 'business as usual'.

Death by bogie

Pledging new investment in the industry, Vladimir Putin said it was vital to maintain Russia's position as the democratic world's leading killer of people it doesn't like.

There had been fears the incoming president would abandon the previous administration's commitment to new poisoning technologies.

But Mr Putin, said: "We make many new poison. We put poison up nose so when enemy pick nose and eat it, he killed by poisoned bogie.

"We make special book, so when enemy get to last page it read 'you die' – then book squirt poison in enemy's face."

He added: "We even make special mobilephone which only release poison when enemy say 'I on train'."

The new president was elected by a landslide despite accusations that he has the same name as his predecessor and looks exactly like him.

Mr Putin said: "I not Vladimir. My name pronounce totally different, my hair slightly darker and I one centimetre taller.

"You no believe? Is okay, I send you special book, explain everything."