Chavez Bans Felicity Kendal

VENEZUELAN President Hugo Chavez has banned all material relating to Felicity Kendal, describing her as 'the ultimate sex totem of the idle bourgeoisie'.

Don't get him started on Penelope Keith

The socialist firebrand has issued a decree condeming the British actress as a 'doe-eyed bauble of the fat Western capitalist'.

He added: "Do not be fooled by the muddy dungarees she so coyly sports when pretending to dig her sprout patch with Richard Briers. It is not befitting for the working men of our nation to covet her, however winsome she may be."

Since the ban, bootleg VHS copies of The Good Life, Rosemary & Thyme and the early 1980s comedy drama Solo have been changing hands at Caracas street markets for enough money to feed a family of 14 for a year.

Street vendor, Miguel Hernandez, said: "Our leader has alienated his people. For many life here is very hard, and the thought of Felicity Kendal wearing nothing but a thin nighty made of home-grown spinach is what keeps us going."

The Venezuelan leader also faces accusations of hypocrisy for refusing to legislate on the films of Jenny Agutter, who is claimed by sources close to the president to be a personal favourite, despite offering a similar brand of posh sauciness.

But Chavez insisted: "The issue of Agutter is quite different. Walkabout is packed with socialist subtext, especially the bit where she bathes in the watering hole as the sunlight shimmers off her lithe, rippling body.

"Same with the one where she shags a werewolf in the shower. Marx could have written that."