Euro deal after Merkel feels a bit 'Hitlery'
EUROZONE leaders have agreed a landmark deal to save the single currency after the German chancellor said she was feeling a bit ‘Fourth Reichy’.
Angela Merkel warned that without a trillion euro bail-out fund she might wake up one morning with a little moustache and an insatiable appetite for conquest.
Arriving at the Brussels summit last night, she stood behind Polish prime minister Donald Tusk, pointing at him with one index finger while drawing the other across her neck and sticking out her tongue in a way that was both playful and utterly terrifying.
She then pointed at French president Nicolas Sarkozy, threw her hands in the air and pretended to run away.
A Downing Street source said: “She greeted the prime minister warmly but then leaned in and whispered, ‘you’re no Churchill and this time we won’t fuck it up, Tommy’.
“He peed himself a little bit.”
International bankers, who had been reluctant to take a 50% ‘haircut’ on their exposure to Greek debt changed their negotiating stance after Frau Merkel pointed out that Goldman Sachs sounded ‘a tad Semitic’.
She then stressed they could take a 50% haircut or have their actual heads completely shaved.
A Goldman Sachs spokesman said: “It’s only money.”
Julian Cook, professor of stomach-churning brinkmanship at Roehampton University, said: “I hadn’t realised Europe was heading for war before the Euro was introduced. Perhaps I was asleep.
“And you’d think that at the time someone would have said ‘if the failure of this thing could lead to war, then maybe it’s not such a good idea, given that we are, after all, politicians’.
“Nevertheless, when a German leader starts feeling Hitlery, you do tend to sit up straight and pay attention.
“And isn’t nice to know that we’re not the only country in Europe being governed by scaremongering arseholes?”