How To Avoid Gerry This Summer

London: 5th June, 1939

THE Foreign and Commonwealth Office is advising British holidaymakers to steer clear of continental Europe this summer, warning that it may be full of Germans.

The Hun has nabbed the deckchairs and booked out the best hotels in Austria and the Sudetenland, and is busy colonising the delightful beaches of Danzig-West Prussia.

Viscount Halifax, the foreign secretary, told the House of Lords: "Fritz has made himself very much at home all over the Rhineland, so I'm afraid you'll have to look elsewhere for a good, meaty sausage and a decent bottle of Gewürztraminer.

He added: "According to our latest communiqués, Poland will soon be awash with Löwenbräu, as Gerry hogs the billiard table, puts his towel on the sun lounger and rounds up the local partisans."

The foreign secretary issued further details of those holiday destinations to be avoided at all costs, including:

PRAGUE: Ghastly Reichsprotektor Heydrich ensconced in presidential palace and playing Brahms at full volume until early hours of the morning.

TIBET: Overrun by the most frightfully rude SS men, apparently tracing origins of 'Aryan master race'.

NORTH AFRICA: Swarming with Hun. Cairo and surrounding areas stuffed with arrogant German archaeologists searching for lost Ark of the Covenant.