Make Goodwin Give Back His Pension, Brown Tells Obama

GORDON Brown will today ask Barak Obama to make that horrid Fred Goodwin give his pension back.

'What about, right, a marrow shoved up his jacksie? Can you do that?'

The prime minister will urge the US president to use his famous charm on the former RBS executive, or failing that, torture.

Mr Brown said: "Let's at least try the charm. Maybe they could go for lunch and the president could flash that lovely smile and call him 'the Fredster' and if that doesn't work then the CIA could shove a black bag over his head and throw him in the back of a van.

"Of course, as a member of the British government I've no idea what would happen next, though I did read an article somewhere about water and electrodes and I think there might have been something about testicles."

Mr Brown said his first summit meeting with President Obama was a vital stage in the development of a new global understanding of why Fred Goodwin should not get that pension.

He added: "Before I came here I consulted with my EU counterparts as well as the leaders of Japan, Russia, Brazil, India, China, Israel, Iraq and Afghanistan and they all said the top priority was getting at least £8 million back, if not 10."

Meanwhile chancellor Alistair Darling has admitted the financial crisis was the result of a 'collective failure' that may or may not have included certain politicians.

He added: "Maybe someone who has a lot of experience at the Treasury. Someone who is Scottish, likes Raith Rovers, has this weird jutting jaw thing going on, only has one eye, are you with me yet?"