North Korea Named New Big Scary Thing

06-04-09

NORTH Korea has been designated as the new big thing designed to scare the holy living shit out of you, the United Nations has confirmed.

It's tea time in Pyong Yang

It’s tea time in Pyong Yang

The tiny Asian country was promoted by the UN Security Council after testing what experts say was a ballistic missile capable of wiping out millions of innocent people, or a communications satellite equipped with a death ray capable of wiping out millions of innocent people.

Bookies’ favourite Iran responded last night by threatening to kill a bucket of puppies, but the move was immediately dismissed by North Korea who stressed that was what most of its population would be having for its tea.

Experts say the decision will lead to an endless series of Sunday Times articles about Kim Jong Il’s army of robot soldiers as well as a new wave of North Korean-themed hats, t-shirts and badges being worn by people who understand nothing.

More importantly the new designation means emotionless North Koreans will replace olive-skinned Arabs as the default villains in the next generation of Hollywood thrillers.

Security analyst and film critic Julian Cook said: “At the moment there is a shortage of heavyweight North Korean actors, so I’d imagine that for the first few years they’ll have to rely on Pete Postlethwaite.

“He somehow managed to pull-off Mr Kobayashi, the Japanese criminal fixer in The Usual Suspects, even though if you look closely it’s obviously just a bloke from Warrington in a bit of eye make-up.”

He added: “Personally I’m hoping Sean Connery can be coaxed out of retirement to play a North Korean submarine commander whose unsophisticated rural accent makes him sound exactly like a Scotchman.”

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