the dailymash

The Pontiff is expected to land on the south coast just after midnight on 25 October 2010. He will set up an interim HQ at Bexhill-on-Sea and then take the A21 to Sevenoaks where he will join the M25 before exiting at junction seven and making his way to Buckingham Palace via Croydon and Tulse Hill.

Once installed in the Palace, he will deploy six Einpopengruppen to establish the New Order. Their first task will be to arrest the 2800 most uncatholic people in the country and have them shot on live television before the midweek National Lottery draw.

Meanwhile a squadron of Jesuits will close down all anti-Papist newspapers and seize control of the BBC by rounding up the corporation's 54,000 homosexuals and sending them to a 'reprogramming centre' in Limerick.

The Vatican has also drawn up a list of people it believes can be trusted to form a new government including Ruth Kelly, the former secretary of state for Opus Dei, Eurovision song contest winner Dana, and Paul Dacre, the editor of the Daily Mail.

A Vatican spokesman said: "Ever since he was a young boy, running around the back streets of Munich in his little brown shirt, the Pope has dreamed of crushing Britain under the iron heel of medieval dogma."

The Pope's UK-based invasion organiser, Harvey Goldsmith, said: "He's actually a really nice guy once you get past everything he says and everything he believes in."

Herr Ratzinger's visit will be only the second time a Pope has set foot in Britain since Henry VIII issued the Declaration Of I'm Fucking Whoever I Want in 1533.