Psychic Octopus Receiving Knickers In The Post

08-07-10

PAUL, the psychic octopus, has been inundated with knickers from thousands of randy women.

Pure sex

After correctly predicting the outcome of some football matches by picking a mussel from a box, the mystical two year-old from Oberhausen in Germany has attracted an army of female fans keen to mate with him at least once.

Helen Archer, from Grantham, said: “He’s got such soulful eyes. I think those are his eyes. No, hang on, those are his testicles.

“He’s got such soulful testicles.”

Nikki Hollis, from Doncaster, said: “He’s changed my life and I want to have his babies. I know we’re not an exact biological match but all my friends say I’m very ugly.”

She added: “I want to rub his ink all over my naked body and feel his slimy legs sucking on my bum. Does that sound weird?”

A unit has now been set up at Oberhausen’s Sea Life Aquarium to sort the underpants by colour, size and freshness.

A spokesman said: “Many of them have obviously given it a lot of thought in a bid to gain some sort of advantage. One woman sent four pairs of dirty knickers that had been stitched together.”

But the spokesman added: “We actually think Paul might be a homosexual octopus. Roughly one of in 10 of them are. He keeps his tank incredibly tidy and after he’s picked the mussel from the box he then wears it as a broach.

“And I don’t think he’s particularly interested in human males, unless they’ve got eight legs. Or perhaps three, if you catch my drift.”

In a good week for molluscs, it has also emerged that male squids are capable of vast erections, leading to dozens of dating websites being forced to scrap their strict ‘no-cephalopods’ rule.

Joanna Kramer, from Hatfield, said: “Women actually have very simple needs – eight arms, an ability to read minds and a cock the size of your arm.”

 

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