Psychic Octopus Receiving Knickers In The Post
PAUL, the psychic octopus, has been inundated with knickers from thousands of randy women.
After correctly predicting the outcome of some football matches by picking a mussel from a box, the mystical two year-old from Oberhausen in Germany has attracted an army of female fans keen to mate with him at least once.
Helen Archer, from Grantham, said: “He’s got such soulful eyes. I think those are his eyes. No, hang on, those are his testicles.
“He’s got such soulful testicles.”
Nikki Hollis, from Doncaster, said: “He’s changed my life and I want to have his babies. I know we’re not an exact biological match but all my friends say I’m very ugly.”
She added: “I want to rub his ink all over my naked body and feel his slimy legs sucking on my bum. Does that sound weird?”
A unit has now been set up at Oberhausen’s Sea Life Aquarium to sort the underpants by colour, size and freshness.
A spokesman said: “Many of them have obviously given it a lot of thought in a bid to gain some sort of advantage. One woman sent four pairs of dirty knickers that had been stitched together.”
But the spokesman added: “We actually think Paul might be a homosexual octopus. Roughly one of in 10 of them are. He keeps his tank incredibly tidy and after he’s picked the mussel from the box he then wears it as a broach.
“And I don’t think he’s particularly interested in human males, unless they’ve got eight legs. Or perhaps three, if you catch my drift.”
In a good week for molluscs, it has also emerged that male squids are capable of vast erections, leading to dozens of dating websites being forced to scrap their strict ‘no-cephalopods’ rule.
Joanna Kramer, from Hatfield, said: “Women actually have very simple needs – eight arms, an ability to read minds and a cock the size of your arm.”