Six American secrets captured by the Chinese spy balloon

14th February 2023

A CHINESE spy balloon has been drifting over the US, filming and gathering information, almost escaping with all the nation’s secrets. Like these:

Who shot JFK

The truth about the assassination of the 35th president of the USA remained hidden until the CIA decided to lay out all the documents face-up on trestle tables in the back yard, confident high fences would protect them, ignorant of the balloon 60,000ft above. They prove the CIA did it.

Area 51

The classified Nevada facility was fortuitously being spring-cleaned as the balloon passed overhead, with all its UFOs and autopsied greys out on the lawn. Photographs caused huge excitement at China’s Ministry of State Security until closer examination revealed they were all just downed weather balloons.

Donald Trump naked

While passing over a Florida gold course at midnight, the balloon caputured images of former president Trump naked and alone, rolling around the greens, shouting ‘What will it take? What can ever compensate for my micropenis? Why is nothing enough?’ His genitals could not be captured on camera, due to their size.

The set of the moon landings

A backlot in Burbank holds the set of the Apollo 11 moon landings, as filmed by visionary director Stanley Kubrick. They have been repurposed as an adventure playground for the lizard children of the lizard people who instigated global warming so they could lie about on hot rocks.

The hip hop Illuminati

Filmed meeting in the grounds of a Long Island mansion, the balloon identified Jay-Z, Beyoncé, Kanye West, Drake, Pharrell, Rick Rubin and others deciding the future of humanity. A killer drone was launched to wipe out our secret leaders but Kanye detonated it with a mere grunt.

Bigfoot

The cryptid caught sight of the balloon, even at 52,000ft, and gave it a friendly wave before entering the quantum-tech subterranean civilisation where the species thrives, waiting for us to die out. Chinese authorities already knew this from the civilisation’s other entrance in the Himalayas and have made peace with it.

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Lilt 1975-2023, the soft drink none will mourn

14th February 2023

THE totally tropical soft drink beloved by barely anybody passed away peacefully yesterday evening, it has been confirmed.

Lilt, the pineapple and grapefruit-flavoured child of the Coca-Cola Company, died on 13th February 2023, aged 48, due to lack of consumer interest.

Known for its cloudy piss appearance and sickliness, Lilt will be remembered as the drink people only bought if there was nothing else left on supermarket shelves, not even Sprite.

Those who had the misfortune to drink Lilt will not forget its strange, unpleasant taste. The best word to describe it was citric, which barely sums it up. Like a fruit-flavoured carbonated urinal cake, there was a reason you never drank it.

The loss of Lilt has been met with a public outpouring of ambivalence except for those few who have fond memories of it in childhood. Their apparent grief stands at odds with their neglect of Lilt while it persisted, as ignored as Prince’s last seven albums.

And the jingle of its 1980s adverts, while remembered, now brings the realisation that those adverts were not crafted with today’s racial sensitivities and are best not dwelled on.

Outside of being an unpopular soft drink, Lilt contributed nothing to the local community. It never taught piano to children or ladled soup to the homeless. It did not have a remarkable past and it never loved you. There is nothing to be sad about here.

Lilt is survived by a Fanta rebrand which is promised to taste exactly the same anyway, so mourners have been advised to get over it.

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