Snakes celebrate being driven out of Ireland

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SNAKES across the world are celebrating the day St Patrick drove them out of Ireland to live in lovely hot countries.

Anacondas in the Amazon, rattlesnakes in Reno and copperheads in Canberra are all raising a glass to the man who led them from the dark, wet place of weirdly cold summers to their promised lands.

Inland taipan Tom Logan said: “Every year we gather and tell the story of St Patrick, who cast us out of the gloom of Ireland to shores kissed with sunshine and abundant non-tuber food sources.

“We drink a ritual Guinness to remind us, with its absolutely vile taste, of the awful fate we are blessed to have escaped.

“I pity anyone left behind. They must have suffered terribly after he cursed them to remain there.

“Still, not my problem, I’m a snake.”