UN Split Over Outdoor Humping

17-10-08

A DAMAGING split emerged at the United Nations last night as western governments called for a new resolution guaranteeing the right to do it on a beach.

Fiji has miles of sandy beaches for you to befoul with your carnal heavings

France and Germany have demanded a charter on outdoor humping but it has been fiercely opposed by Egypt, Dubai, Saudi Arabia, Yemen and the Irish.

A spokesman for the Dubai government said: “Do you think we are no better than pigs? Backward, medieval pigs?”

Holland, Denmark and Sweden all favour making outdoor sex mandatory and would prefer it if couples performed their intercourse in front of an audience of eight year-olds.

The Dutch ambassador has even called for a system of ‘tag humping’ where both males and females could be substituted by a team-mate half way through.

Britain has threatened to veto any form of tag sex but will support the principle of open-air lovemaking as long as it is done as quietly as possible.

UN ambassador Sir Denys Finch-Hatton said: “The last thing one wants to hear when one is enjoying a round of golf is a lot of people shouting ‘ooooh’ and ‘aaaah’ and ‘stick it in’.”

The US ambassador offered qualified backing for outdoor congress as long as it results in the conception of a Christian baby.

Meanwhile a raft of eastern European states have agreed to support the charter if it includes domestic livestock, aquatic mammals and the larger species of fish.

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