We’ll call you, IMF tells Clarke

THE International Monetary Fund has promised Ken Clarke it will definitely give him a call about the vacant managing director’s position.

Ken Clarke in his 'fuck me' wig

With the resignation of Gallic sex monkey Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Clarke had spotted an opportunity to escape British politics after describing date rape as ‘a bit saucy’.

With women and men who read calling for him to be sacked, the justice secretary fears his credibility may be damaged irreparably but believes international debt management would benefit from his broad minded approach to sex crime.

However, senior officials at the IMF suggested it may be unwise to replace Strauss-Kahn with someone who thinks his detention at  Riker’s Island is a tad harsh.

A source said: “Ordinarily Ken would be very near the top of the list. Very near. It’s just bad timing really. You can have an alleged sex offender, or you can have someone who thinks that sex offences are just a bit of tickle fun. But you can’t have one after the other.

“It’s not the Italian Monetary Fund.”

A friend of the justice secretary said: “No-one remembers but Ken was actually chancellor for a few years and unlike Gordon Brown he was quite good at it but unfortunately didn’t have a bunch of arse-felching hacks to write horseshit articles about his ‘genius’.

“He’d be really good at running the IMF. A Frenchman’s been doing it, so it’s not like it’s difficult. And the other great thing about Ken is that he’s really good at telling it like it is, even when it couldn’t possibly be more wrong.

“If only Cameron had put Ken at the Treasury and Osborne at justice then we’d have a chancellor who knows what he’s doing and a justice secretary who knows that sex crime begins at school.”

The friend also speculated as to why Clarke had suggested some rapes were cheekier than others.

“He’s a huge Dizzy Gillespie fan but he’s not very street wise so I think he may have felt some empathy for sex offenders when he was told that a lot of them are obsessed with jazz mags.”