BRITAIN is due a general election this year and you’re overdue a bout of bedroom activity. But given widespread reluctance to call either, which will happen first?
How are you looking?
A) A solid seven out of ten. Maybe an eight if I shave and put on a ironed Ben Sherman shirt. Which I never do because I’m above average and prey on the desperate.
B) Not great. The teeth are an issue. I haven’t been able to afford new clothes since before the pandemic. And my impetigo’s bad. Though I am taller than Rishi Sunak.
What’s your relationship status?
A) Happily married, with an occasional girlfriend, a side piece in the office, and a thriving Tinder account on a burner phone.
B) Terminally single, but that does mean I’m extremely eligible. And the economy’s turning a corner so I should have enough cash for a meal for two at Nando’s by June.
How often do you put yourself out there?
A) Every time I leave the house and every time I enter it. You’ve got to make sure the odds are in your favour.
B) For some reason I keep putting it off. It never seems the right time. Just when I’m building confidence I do something like losing my only pair of trousers to a train door.
How do you set a sexy mood?
A) I treat my wife, or whoever, to a fancy candlelit meal, tell her how much I care about her, reminisce about good times we’ve shared and do everything but flop my dick onto a plate.
B) I try frantically to ignore everything that’s going wrong, like being greeted by the lads from Warhammer club, my card being declined, my nervous flatulence and her telling me she would never, ever have sex with me and just bulldoze through.
How hard are you trying to have sex?
A) A little too hard. At all times. I can’t talk to a woman without my dick rearing its purple head metaphorically and too often, literally.
B) I’ve long since given up and resigned myself to my fate. Or I tell myself I have. But I can’t extinguish that tiny little spark of hope.
ANSWERS
Mostly As: Whether the election’s in late May, early October or dragged out to the bitter end of January next year, it doesn’t matter to you. You’re getting laid more often than Rishi Sunak’s receiving unwelcome news about the polls.
Mostly Bs: The prime minister could announce a state of emergency, arrest all opposition politicians, cancel elections and run a dictatorship until 2035. You still wouldn’t end your dry spell first.
