Quiz: Are you shit in bed?

02-02-18

ARE you a rampant stallion in the bedroom, the envy of your neighbours, or has no partner ever found the courage to tell you you’re completely shit?

Confirm your worst suspicions with our quiz: 

How long should sex last?

A) Between seven minutes and a quarter of an hour, as recommended by sex therapists for a satisfying but not gruelling sexual experience

B) Between four and eight thrusts

Have you ever tried ‘talking dirty’, and if so how?

A) Telling your partner how aroused they are making you

B) Abruptly shouting upsetting porn-grade filth such as “Take it deep like the filthy beast you are!” before apologising profusely

What is the G-spot?

A) A particularly sensitive area of a woman’s vagina

B) The New York nightclub base of 50 Cent’s G-Unit crew, from which they record posse cuts and fight crime

How do you feel about performing oral sex on your partner?

A) Enthusiastic and ready to show off your skills

B) Disgusted and so, so afraid

What do you think is arousing for a sexual partner?

A) Finding out what they enjoy and performing with skill, passion and affection

B) Either lying there with your teeth gritted or pumping grimly away like you’re trying to unblock a drain

What sort of foreplay do you engage in?

A) Erotic massage, kissing, licking and teasing erogenous zones

B) Muting the TV or pausing Netflix

Mostly As: You are either not shit in bed or good at completing surveys to make it look like you are not shit in bed. Congratulations, either way

Mostly Bs: You are shit in bed. Either try to think about your partner more or invest in a delay spray from a sex shop that has a 30 per cent chance of making your cock fall off.

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