Apple launches replacement eyes

23-10-12

TECHNOLOGY giant Apple has created a range of bionic eyes for users suffering chronic retinal fatigue.

The default ‘Earth’ iris can be replaced with a picture of your dog

The corporation is marketing iEyes as the solution to the ‘eyeballs leaking lava’ sensation that follows an extended session at an LED monitor.

A spokesman said: “iEyes plug directly into your cerebral cortex. They’re impervious to eyestrain, so you never, ever, need to look away from a screen, except to sleep.

“The problem with standard human eyes stems from the fact that our body parts evolved rather than being designed by professionals. I mean, it’s not like early hominids needed to play Angry Bird Space for nine hours straight.

“Book an appointment at the Genius Bar, they will remove and replace your eyes while maintaining a seamless flow of polite banter.”

iEyes owner Stephen Malley said: “The brightness control is good, but you have to regularly update your eyes’ operating system otherwise you can only see stationary objects.”

Technologist Nikki Hollis said: “This is the first step towards ‘iBorgs’, post-human creatures that are more Apple product than flesh and blood.

“The main flaw is that you have to pronounce ‘iEye’ carefully otherwise it sounds like a working class comedian greeting their audience.”

 

 

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