Apple Unveils Moyles-Pod

APPLE  has unveiled a new 4GB MP3 player which will be dominated by the voice of disc jockey Chris Moyles laughing at his own flatulence.

It can also show Moyles chumming about with a series of showbiz fuckers

The company said the new 'moylesPod' will feature the DJ talking over the first 20 seconds of all your favourite songs while cracking jokes about homosexuals, immigrants and people with talent.

An Apple spokesman said: "The challenge of distilling Moyles' delusional ego down to 4GB was incredible. Squeezing 30 stone of ill-founded arrogance into a player the size of a battery is the equivalent of stuffing 62 Robbie Williams into a matchbox."

The company said there were concerns that such massive compression could create a 'point of singularity' sucking in all cogent thought and turning the moylesPod into a vast, black hole of mediocrity.

The device will retail at £99.99 and has already been described by Stuff magazine as a 'hellish combination of micro-technology and tiresome gittishness'.

New voices will be available by download, including the cast of Skins and Achmed, the terrorist skeleton puppet. Teenager Charlie Reeves, from Wimbledon, said: "I can't wait to hear him say 'And now it's The Fear by Lily Allen – I keel you!' He is perhaps the only genius working in Britain today."

Future upgrades could also feature intelligent playlists, with software filtering out songs based on an algorithm measuring originality, musicianship and the absence of Elton John.

Beta-tester Julian Cook said: "I loaded all my CDs onto the moylesPod – James Blunt, Take That, Ting Tings – but every time I pressed play, it told me to fuck off and just played 30 seconds of Jimi Hendrix over and over again like an aggressive drunk man hogging the stereo at a party.

"I want to batter it with a spanner."