Cheaper to destroy Sellafield using ‘The Medusa Touch’, say experts

IT would have been cheaper and easier to decommission Sellafield using 1978’s The Medusa Touch, it has been confirmed.


Can also be used as an economic policy

As the cost of closing the nuclear site heads toward £70 billion, experts said reanimating Richard Burton and then inventing telekinesis would have been much more efficient.

In the supernatural thriller Burton plays an angry psychic who can kill people with his mind. After he crashes a plane into a building and blows up a spaceship, Lee Remick decides he is a nutcase and beats him half to death.

But as he lies in his hospital bed, covered in bandages, he destroys a cathedral and then scribbles ‘Windscale’ (the 1970s word for Sellafield) indicating that he cannot be stopped.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “First of all, £70bn is correct. That wasn’t a typo. Feel free to lose your mind.

“Secondly, we don’t necessarily have to use the reanimated corpse of Richard Burton. I’m sure Anthony Hopkins could step in. And obviously there’s Michael Sheen.

“Meanwhile, we reckon that developing a reliable method of telekinesis would cost £15-£20 billion and we could have the site cleared in about a fortnight.

“Or we could just carry on doing it with a child’s knife and fork.”