Everyone who reviewed product online was talking bollocks

NONE of the 37 people who reviewed a laptop online had the first idea what they were talking about, a man has discovered.

Tom Logan bought a fairly expensive HP Envy laptop on the basis of a consensus of positive reviews that turned out to be written by indiscriminating morons who just like sharing their opinions.

He said: “I basically slapped down the best part of a grand on the advice of a bunch of chatty strangers. And I’m surprised it didn’t work out well?

“My thanks in particular to ‘Connie’, who described it as ‘the best laptop I have ever owned’. Presumably her last laptop was a ZX Spectrum sellotaped to a Etch-a-Sketch.

“I also regret assuming that ‘Alan Benson’ was an expert because he used expressions like ‘absolute beast of a machine’ and ‘superlative Core i5 performance’, when he’s clearly an arse who likes to sound clever on the internet and probably calls LBC to tell the RAF what planes to buy.

“I should have realised they were idiots when I saw the weirdly irrelevant reviews like ‘Great laptop! Matches my sofa perfectly!’

“Though I feel bad for laughing at the one-star review by ‘PrettyKitty’ that said ‘No good. Does not work in bath’. It was the only one that was entirely accurate.”