Foul-Tempered Robots To Act As Elderly Companions
ROBOTS who dislike foreigners and other people's cats are being sold as companions for the elderly.
The Geriatron 9000 is equipped with a selection of far-right opinions and a detailed knowledge of cake.
Its range of built-in conversation topics include the prices. soup ingredients, how the new girl on Countdown isn't as good, and why on earth the people next door don't trim their hedge back.
The machine also comes with a number of mechanical complaints such as a leaking valve, rusting terminals and how that Pakistani doctor made its failing visual sensors even worse.
Inventor Tom Logan said: "Not only is the UK's population ageing dramatically, but most old people are so vile and obstreperous that no human should have to spend time in their company.
"The 9000 provides the perfect companion for your elderly relatives while simultaneously assuaging your guilt about leaving them to rot in some hell hole and only visiting them for ten minutes every fourth Easter."
Audrey Pendennis, an 83 year-old Geriatron owner from Surrey, said: "Normally I hate everything as a matter of principle.
"But I don't mind this shiny metal man too much. He's racist and doesn't foof. Having him has made my life a bit better, although on balance I'd still rather be dead."
The Geriatron 9000 retails for the precise amount of cash in the Family Circle biscuit tin under the bed and comes in a range of finishes including brass, woodchip and shortbread.