How to do a hand transplant

04-01-13

YOU don’t need to be a so-called ‘expert’ to re-attach a hand, according to the Institute for Studies.

Hands are perfect for creepy squeezing

As jumped-up doctors act all clever for doing Britain’s ‘first successful hand transplant’, Professor Henry Brubaker explained that the procedure is not hard.

Professor Brubaker said: “People are cooing over these surgeons, but what they do is just a cross between wiring a plug and working on a supermarket meat counter.

“The hard part is getting the hand. Hands are not easy to come by, although they crop up on eBay from time to time.

“If you’re ordering a hand online, making sure that it’s properly wrapped in fresh newspaper. Also if you get a cheap one, check that it isn’t actually a paw.

“If you can’t find a hand on the internet, ask a friend if you can have theirs – everybody basically has a spare one.”

How to do a hand transplant, by Professor Henry Brubaker:

1) Using a sharp object, sever unwanted hand.

2) Tie a bit of string around the stump to reduce mess. Arguably this should be number one, but there’s no right or wrong with these things.

3) Look at the donor hand. In the middle you’ll see some red veiny things – arteries. Line them up with the arteries on your stump. The other bits are nerves, tendons and veins. Dab some glue on the ends, then press them onto your stump.

4) Enjoy your new hand. 

Professor Brubaker said: “I’ve not actually done this myself, but I would.

“Also if you can learn hand transplants and two other basic operations you are technically a qualified surgeon and can earn up to £34 per hour.”

However qualified surgeon Dr Tom Logan said: “Don’t do this. You’ll die.”

 

 

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