Jam, The Fuel Of Tomorrow, Say Lib Dems
THE Liberal Democrats have unveiled radical plans to reduce Britain's carbon emissions, including a new generation of cars that unleash the remarkable power of jam.
The party, popular with academics and mental patients, has declared war on petrol and vowed to hunt down and destroy the last drop of the world's favourite fuel by 2020.
Environment spokesman Chris Huhne said: "People say to me, 'oh no Chris, how are we going to get to work if you've killed all the petrol?' Fear not, I tell them, for I have harnessed the power of jam!"
Describing unleaded petrol as the "Khmer Rouge of high octane distillates" Huhne insisted the world's future energy demands could be met by boiling up a lot of soft fruit.
Huhne said the party had bought a 1998 Citroen Saxo which it hoped to convert to blackcurrant jam. "Blackcurrant is the easiest to work with, until we can find a way to stabilise raspberries," said Huhne.
"This is just the first step. I've been drawing sketches of huge triple-decker buses with on-board cinemas and swimming pools that run on low fat Nutella. And what about a jetpack filled with lemon curd?"
He added: "The only possible drawback we can envisage is an uncontrollable plague of gigantic killer wasps."