Legal high industry running out of names

30-05-13

THE legal high industry is facing crisis as the stock of cool names for drugs approaches exhaustion.

Got any 'Fruity Jakes'?

Got any ‘Fruity Jakes’?

With more than 280 legal highs launched in the last 12 months, including Sharky Smile, Superbucket and Mondo Mondo, creators of highs are threatening a strike unless new names are developed.

Chemist Roy Hobbs said: “I’ve been working for the last 18 months on a legal high that transforms users’ genitals into harmonic pleasure crystals and, crucially, leaves them in control of their bowels.

“Now I’m told by the EU Legal High Commission that the only available names for it are Wooden Friend and Wales at Sunset.

“Apparently all the funky Aztec-sounding names and variations on the word ‘cosmic’ are already registered. I can’t even have ‘Mega Mule’.”

The drugs name crisis has already hit the US, where a substance that permanently destroys higher brain functions and turns users into zombies was named Bath Salts.

A spokesman for the EU’s legal high team said: “Clearly if you’re selling something under the pretence that it’s plant food, it needs to be called Extreme Midnight Mamba to tip people off.

“But while drug users think they have exceptional imaginations they actually all go on about the same boring shit, which is why I have 43 submitted highs on my desk under the name Neon Space Donkey. And that’s just today.”

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