Librarians go like the clappers, say experts

13-05-09

QUIET, bespectacled female librarians really do go like a bloody train, it was confirmed last night.

Sweet Jesus, men are pathetic

According to researchers at the Institute for Studies, the tweed skirts and sensible glasses of intelligent, bookish women are nothing more than a flimsy facade concealing a smouldering volcano of hot, undiluted filth.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We have finally confirmed that women who look as if butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths could actually suck a tangerine through a keyhole.

“While a simple-minded shop girl is perfectly suited for a perfunctory knee-trembler behind some bins, if it’s eye-boggling three-way genital branding you’re after, get yourself along to a poetry recital.”

But Brubaker’s research has come under fire from his peers, who claim it was nothing more than a ruse allowing him to say dirty things to clever women.

Professor Julian Cook, of the Studying Institute, said: “He claims to be researching the link between intelligence and intimacy but the next thing we know he’s trooping female historians into his office and asking them if they’ve ever used a ball gag.”

Tom Logan, a sexual intercourse enthusiast from Finsbury Park, said: “Are you telling me that just because Anne Widdecombe’s got a degree in Latin that somehow makes her better at sex than Kelly Brook? I’m sorry, but I don’t believe that for a second.”

Brubaker defended his research methods, insisting: “It is perfectly valid to ask women what sort of freaky shit they got up to at Cambridge and whether or not they think I’m good looking.”

Astro-physicist Dr Nikki Hollis said: “I was slightly concerned when he asked me how long I could keep my ankles behind my ears. A quiet, bespectacled women like me is not used to hearing that kind of thing.

“And it’s 45 minutes, in case you were wondering.”

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