POWERFUL light sabres sold online could be lethal but are nevertheless amazing, according to experts.
The Institute for Studies conducted exhaustive tests on the weapon, which utilises a potent laser capable of burning through human flesh.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The sabre fires a beam 1,000 times stronger than a standard laser pointer, and is easily capable of permanently blinding a child. It also makes the exact same sort of ‘wooooob’ sound as the ones in Star Wars.
“We used the lab environment to reconstruct a potentially deadly light sabre duel. For reasons of procedural expediency I was Darth Vader and my colleague Professor Malley was Obi-Wan.
“After a flurry of blows I cornered the ageing Jedi master, uttering the immortal line ‘Your powers are weak, old man’, before administering the coup de grace across his buttocks.”
Professor Stephen Malley said: “It really fucking hurt. Certainly at the time I felt convinced that this type of device should not be available to the general public.
“However I changed my mind later on when I ambushed Henry in the canteen and swiped him across the back of the neck with my own blue beam of death. He sort of collapsed, and was just rolling around on the floor, screaming like the little bitch that he is.
“I stood over him and said ‘Join me, together we can rule the galaxy’ in a deep voice, and everyone cracked up. He was properly crying.”
He added: “On a more serious note, this is an incredibly potent weapon capable of causing irreversible physical harm.
“I recommend that it be banned forthwith, although mainly because I like the idea of being the only person who’s got one. The last Jedi, if you will.”
But Professor Brubaker was more equivocal: “I guess it’s like all these things, it’s alright if you’re not too much of a prick. So probably the light sabres should be labelled ‘NOT FOR SALE TO PRICKS’.
“Then it would be okay.”
