Microsoft unveils new tablet for uncool people

MICROSOFT has launched a new tablet for desperately uncool people who do mundane, everyday things.

The device looks deliberately pedestrian and comes packaged with a selection of uncool applications including Classic Rock Gig Finder, Birdwatching Assistant and Grocery Expenditure Buddy.

IT industry analyst Tom Logan said: “There’s far, far more uncool people than cool people in the world. Probably less than 0.0000003% of the human race is cool.”

A Microsoft spokesman said: “iPads are fine if you’re the type who likes to sit in trendy bars, sipping so-called ‘lattes’  and eating ‘paninis’ – whatever they might be – while yapping on about ‘chillwave’ music to another idiot in tight trousers.

“However if you resent those people, don’t care about clothes and like word processing, spread sheets and making checklists of real ale pubs, this machine is for you.

“It’s militantly unexciting.”

The spokesman added: “It follows in a proud tradition of machines that are less cool than their counterparts – Betamax video recorders, ZX Spectrums and Blackberry phones – but don’t give a shit.”