New CCTV sees the evil in your soul

SURVEILLANCE cameras can now detect whether you are good or evil, it has emerged.

These two are bastards

The revolutionary devices show a person’s aura, and categorise them as either Blessed, Melancholy or Accursed, with the latter two groups being rounded up.

A police spokesman said: “The more purple someone looks, the viler they are. Of course no one is pure evil, but if someone’s mostly bad it’s best to stick them in a pen.”

The cameras, which run on a blend of electricity and mistletoe, are calibrated by showing them pictures of dolphins (good) and The Black Eyed Peas (evil).

A high street pilot scheme in Chelmsford saw confirmed bad people herded into a cage outside Boots.

Detained 23-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “I was actually thinking about writing ‘Pig wankers’ on a wall when I was filmed so yes, there appears to be something in it.”

Tennis instructor and confirmed moral citizen Francesca Johnson said: “I always knew I was better than most people round here. It’s nice to have that made official.”

Another test on King’s Road in Chelsea was abandoned due to a complete absence of good people.