New Xbox will revolutionise sitting on your fat arse

MICROSOFT’S Xbox One heralds the dawn of a new era in sitting on your fat lazy backside.

The possibilities are endless

The possibilities are endless

The sleek machine integrates games, on-demand TV and web chat in a package that is being described as ‘ a game-changer for the arse-sitter’ and ‘the pinnacle of inertia’.

A Microsoft spokesman said: “This console combines literally everything you can do while your buttocks are attached to a sofa.

“It redefines what you thought you knew about being slumped listlessly in front of a screen.”

Full-time chair warmer Stephen Malley said: “This is the excuse to be seated my flabby buttocks have been waiting for.

“The voice recognition technology allows me to communicate with the screen, issuing commands like ‘watch TV’, ‘open Internet Explorer’ and ‘get crisps’.

“There’s also a Kinect sensor that allows me to control games with my body movements. Probably I won’t be using that too much.

“Around the world, a lot of arses are going to be seated for a very long time, all because of this beautiful little box.”

However blogger Roy Hobbs said: “Why is there no feeding tube attached to the console, or built-in catheter? It’s high time we had a device that sucked in our urine and recycled it as a life-sustaining vitamin drink.

“Also I want to be a playable character in my favourite TV channels, most notably Babestation.

“I am as inexplicably furious about this piece of technology as only someone with an utterly empty life can be.”