Poor people to be operated by remote control

POOR people are to be operated remotely like an unmanned drone, the government has announced.

You can have some Chardonnay when you’ve finished Wolf Hall

From April all benefit claimants will be fitted with a headset so they can be controlled by a middle class person who is trained to know what is best for everyone.

The headset will be attached with stainless steel screws and a probe will enter the brain via the ear.

Electronic pulses delivered via a Department for Work and Pensions satellite will then be used to control every aspect of the poor person’s lifestyle.

A spokesman said: “You can’t stay fat if your brain is being controlled by someone who went to university.

“Also, you can’t smoke or drink. Or go to the bingo. Or play fruit machines. Or watch daytime television.¬†Or pepper your sentences with the ghastly c-word.

“Or buy things from vans.”

He added: “And it’s great for all those middle class people who think they’re so brilliant there should be at least two of them.”

Trainee controller Martin Bishop said: “I’m worried about what my drone could get up to when I’m asleep. So I’ll need to make sure they sleep when I sleep and then I’ll rig up something that makes sure my dreams become their dreams.

“And then they will be happy.”

Julian Cook, professor of socio-economic wheezes at Roehampton University, said: “Why don’t we just stop farting about and put them all in a big camp?”