Search Engine Developers Unveil Total Waste Of Time

01-05-09

SOFTWARE developers have unveiled a new search engine that is both highly accurate and a complete waste of everyone's time.

Not even close

The Wolfram Alpha is a computational knowledge engine that can access and collate trillions of pieces of verified scientific data while at the same time completely missing the point of the internet.

The Wolfram uses complex mathematical equations to deliver search results in response to detailed questions, but has so far been unable to answer everyday web-based enquiries, including: 'So where are all the vaginas? and 'Can I see a photo of a monkey having sex with a cat?'.

Kyle Stephenson, a 15-year old from Doncaster, said: "I type in 'Can I see some Swedish vaginas, please?', hit return and it pulls up a data set revealing the location of every vagina in Sweden.

"I'm then supposed to load this into Excel and superimpose it onto a Google Earth map of Sweden to create a scatter graph in which each dot represents a Swedish vagina."

Stephenson said the technology was impressive before pointing at his groin and adding: "Unfortunately it's just not getting the job done."

Tom Logan, a pub regular from Hatfield, said: "I asked it 'how much secret explosive would the CIA have to plant to bring down Susan Boyle?'.

"I got back a detailed analysis by a Harvard engineer showing how burning aviation fuel could superheat the internal structure of Susan Boyle causing it to buckle and eventually collapse in on itself in what might look, to the untrained moron eye, like a controlled explosion."

A spokesman for Google said last night: "How many years did they spend working on this? Fantastic."

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