Teleportation device not quite there yet, says disembodied head


STAR Trek-style teleportation is months away from becoming a scientific reality, the disembodied head of its inventor insisted last night.

‘It’s quite sore’, admitted Professor Kaku

Professor Michio Kaku’s head made the astonishing claim from the floor of a New York laboratory after a demonstration of his latest prototype.

It is claimed that Kaku’s device would be able to dissolve a human being into its constituent atoms, transport them through space and then reassemble them with an accuracy level of over 90%.

Dr Wayne Hayes, the professor’s lab assistant, said: “Oh my god. Oh my fucking god. What is that? It’s got an arm coming out of its stomach.

“And his bum’s inside out. That can’t be right. Pete, get a bucket. Be careful! I think you just stood on his eye.

“Holy Christ, his feet have run off. Don’t hit them. We want them alive. Right, just shove what we’ve got back in and I’ll stick it in reverse. Is that his knob?”

Professor Kaku said: “We’ll put it on sale as soon as we get to 95%. I’m sure people will gladly lose the tops of their fingers, or an ear, if it means they can cut 20 minutes off their commute.”

He added: “All models will be fitted with a set of handrails to prevent users from toppling over if their feet don’t arrive on time.”


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