46% of middle class children raised by monkeys

BUSY parents are increasingly relying on primates to provide childcare, it has emerged.

Reliable, patient and mostly vegetarian

Animal childcare was once the preserve of families whose plane had crashed in a jungle, killing both parents.

But longer working hours and the high cost of human labour have seen millions of middle-class households employing monkey carers.

38-year-old account executive Nikki Hollis leaves her four-year-old with a group of capuchin monkeys while she’s at work.

She said: “The monkeys inhabit a willow tree in the garden. An alpha female arrives at 8.30am every morning to collect Joseph.

“It’s a very structured day, the morning is mostly grooming and I believe they spend the afternoon catching birds and spiders.

“Before the capuchins I tried employing macaques but there was an issue with throwing stones at cars so we sold them to bushmeat vendors.

“One of the main advantages of primate childcare is that unlike our last Swedish au pair my husband does n0t – to the best of my knowledge – try to fuck them.”