Amount of alcohol thrown away by UK homes remains at zero
THE average British household is wasting no alcohol, according to new research.
Figures from the Institute for Studies showed that roughly 0% of the UK’s alcoholic liquid ends up in landfill, with even bottles of sickly foreign liqueur brought back from holiday getting drunk sooner or later.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Alcohol wastage in the UK is a matter of absolutely no concern.
“Indeed the only real issue arising from domestic drink disposal is bottle recycling, specifically how to conceal from your neighbours that your recycling box contains nothing but cheap wine bottles.
“I recommend keeping some empty olive oil containers in reserve so you can put them on the top, disguising the booze empties.”
Meanwhile, domestic food waste is down from 13% from three years ago, as Britons finally gave up on buying the non-pre-prepared items known as ‘ingredients’.
Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “I realised that buying anything not in a box with ‘heating instructions’ on it was a waste of my valuable time.
“Whatever whimsical notion I had about doing some ‘actual cooking’, I could never be fucked, and that stuff – vegetables and suchlike – would always end up rank and furry.
“Nowadays I even buy those pre-prepared Lazy Bastard brand jacket potatoes which come stuffed with cheese equivalent matter. I’m proud to say that the only things I throw away are plastic and cardboard.”
She added: “Supermarkets need to do their bit too and stop throwing away carrots that look like cocks.
“They’re perfectly good to eat, plus children and men find them hilarious.”