the dailymash

Thousands of schools remained shut despite improving weather conditions, leaving millions of parents standing in the freezing cold at the top of a slight incline, wishing they were dead.

Tom Logan, a Croydon estate agent, said he was unable to arrange emergency childcare adding: "I even tried the foul-smelling Scotsman outside the off licence who stands there all day shouting 'fuck you' at parked cars.

"Unfortunately he was really busy, so I got the sledge out of the attic and repeatedly dragged my daughter up a small hill.

"From the top I could see the pub where all the single people with no kids were having an unexpected mid-week skinful. They looked so cosy and pissed.

"After about six hours I could take no more, so we went home and spent the rest of the day watching Barney videos. Big fat purple twat."

But Julian Cook, a head teacher from Birmingham, defended the closure of his school, adding: "It's my round, what are you having?

"They do a lovely Rioja, here taste it. You see what I mean? Very quaffable. And, I'm sure you'll agree, much better then being stabbed in the bollock with a compass by some 12 year-old shit."

Meanwhile the London transport system is today expected to return to its normal service of soul-destroying inconsistency.