April Fool's Day used as cover for cull of stocky men
THE government has executed thousands of thickset men following an announcement that was construed as an April Fool’s Day stunt.
Appearing on the April 1 edition of BBC One’s Sunday Morning Live, prime minister David Cameron described how his deep-seated loathing of males with mesomorphic body types had escalated to the point where he simply had to have most of them killed.
Cameron said: “Whenever you’re watching the news, if there’s been a bad crime, most of the time it’s been done by someone with a neck wider than their head.
“Honestly. I’m being serious now. They’re like troglodytes or something.
“Therefore we are sending out the wagons today across the UK – soldiers with guns and dogs will be taking down the stocky. The aim is to reduce the UK’s stocky population by around 75%.”
Housewife Nikki Hollis said: “I was watching the show, tittering slightly at what I thought was Cameron’s typically half-baked stab at humour, when the doorbell rang.
“It was five men with body armour and rottweilers asking for the whereabouts of my husband Vince, who works nights as a bouncer.
“Without thinking, I said he was asleep upstairs. They immediately unleashed the dogs which bounded up to the bedroom and tore him to shreds.”
Civil rights campaigner Roy Hobbs said: “Well, it’s done now, isn’t it?
“I suppose it was all pretty ingenious.”