Are you being persecuted?

30-03-13

LORD Carey’s claim that Christians in Britain are feeling persecuted has led many people to ask: “So what exactly is persecution then?”

If he actually existed, then yes, they persecuted the shit out of him

If he actually existed, then yes, they persecuted the bejesus out of him

The Daily Mash presents a simple questionnaire to help you work out how persecuted you are:

Are you excluded from high office, such as being prime minister or the Queen, because of your religion?

Are you completely excluded from society even though you believe in miracles?

Are you prevented from worshipping in, let’s say, a church, on, let’s say, a Sunday morning?

Are you prevented from constantly judging complete strangers?

Are you prevented from sticking your nose into other people’s personal lives?

Do you believe that Lord Carey was elected to the House of Lords?

Does the Today programme ban you from boring the shit out of everyone with two minutes of sanctimonious drivel every morning?

Are schools, funded largely by people who do not share your views, banned from telling children about your favourite miracles?

Has an organisation, funded largely by people who do not share your views, stopped making Songs of Praise?

Do some of the country’s biggest newspapers ignore you whenever you object to the slightest little thing?

Does Britain celebrate Christmas because it is the birthday of Isaac Newton?

Are you currently enjoying a long weekend to commemorate the untimely death of Judy Garland?


So, are you being persecuted?

All ‘yes': Britain does not celebrate Christmas because it is the birthday of Isaac Newton. You may actually benefit from some light persecution.

Mostly ‘yes': Perhaps this really is the time of year when you commemorate  Judy Garland. That is deeply fabulous of you. You’re not being persecuted as much as you used to.

50-50: You’re probably always ’50-50′ in these kinds of things. You might want to shake it up a bit.

Mostly ‘no': You are probably a Roman Catholic and are subject to some persecution, but only if you really want to be the Queen.

All ‘no': You are an Anglican Christian and you are not being persecuted. Congratulations!

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