Armed troops to ensure enjoyment of royal wedding

THOUSANDS of heavily armed troops are to be deployed across Britain to make sure everyone enjoys the Royal wedding.

Snipers will be able to turn a frown upside down from half a mile away

Amid claims some people may be attempting to flee the country, ministers have invoked special measures, buried deep within the 2001 Anti-Terrorism Act, to ensure that each of the Queen’s subjects has an absolutely lovely time.

Tanks and armoured cars will be posted at airports and ferry terminals to prevent anyone spending a week somewhere sunny and foreign when they could be eating jelly in the street with some twats.

Meanwhile each street party will be assigned its own platoon from the Brigade of Guards who will use their semi-automatic rifles to keep everyone not only happy, but sincerely grateful for Britain’s ancient and enduring institutions.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “Although the soldiers will have large guns with sensitive triggers and will probably be in a foul mood because of having to work on a bank holiday, the Queen has specifically asked them not to shoot you in the head or chest. It is a wedding, for goodness sake.”

The Ministry of Defence has also confirmed that RAF Tornadoes will use laser guided bombs to pick off the homes of suspected curmudgeons.

A spokesman said: “It will not only act as an extremely festive warning to others but will eradicate the sort of grumpy traitors that no-one wants to live next door to anyway.”

But Helen Archer, an accountant from Hatfield, said: “I got married last year. Apart from my family and friends, no-one else gave a tuppenny shit. I felt this was perfectly reasonable.

“I did not feel the need to label them ‘refuseniks’ or write lengthy newspaper articles asking why they don’t have souls.

“I guess that to them my wedding was just another random event happening in the universe, like a pair of raccoons rutting in a bush in Panama.

“Please don’t shoot me in the knees.”