Audis still Britain’s favourite car to have driving right up your arse
THE Audi has been voted the UK’s top car to have six inches from your rear bumper in the outside lane of the motorway.
Audis beat several other top German automotive brands in the race to be the favourite car to sodomise you even when you are doing 80 and clearly overtaking a minibus.
BMWs, which dominated the arse-bothering charts in the 1990s, came second while the seating position on the third-placed Land Rover Freelander was judged too high to properly appreciate the driver’s panic when required to brake suddenly.
Motoring expert Joseph Turner said: “There’s nothing more reassuring than seeing those four linked circles looming in your rear-view mirror.
“When the car behind wants you to drive faster and tells you that by increasing the chance of both your deaths by 40 per cent, Britain’s motorists want to hear that message from an Audi.
“We even had a personal testimony from a driver who was rear-ended by an Audi driving well over 100mph, who flipped across the central reservation, was hit by a lorry and crippled for life, but still smiles admiringly at the smooth, Teutonic efficiency of the whole thing.”
The Citroën Berlingo came top in the van category, with more than two-thirds of those surveyed enjoying the forthright honesty of drivers who aggressively flash until you change lanes then mouth the word ‘c**t’ at you.
Bottom of the table and Britain’s nightmare anal probe driver was, for the third year running, a metallic-green Fiat 500 with tribal transfers driven by an uninsured nutter in a baseball cap.