Average family weird
THE average British family is deeply unsettling, according to new research.
The Institute for Studies found a wide range of weirdness, from dads who made no secret of fancying their wife’s sister, to them all being the last five members of the National Front.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The average family has two children, a combined income of ￡39,000 a year, a blue Ford Focus and their own private word for butter.
“The weirdness is often trivial, as in the case of the family from Croydon who only fed their labrador fish because they firmly believe that dogs are a type of small bear.
“However, it could also take more worrying forms, such as the family who listed their hobbies as ‘camping’, ‘hill-walking’ and ‘preparing for the war against the machines’.
“The average family are not people you’d want to live next door to. But you do.”
The research also found that the average family watched three hours of television a day, although the figure was higher if there was something weird on, such as a documentary about Fred West or face cancer.
It was also found that the average family eats out once a month, with the choice of food usually dictated by some outdated prejudice, like believing Chinese restaurants go to the trouble of catching local cats.
Professor Brubaker added: “Listening to these strange families was exhausting. It was a relief to get home and enjoy a Nazi-themed sex game with my wives.”