Biblical apocalypse leaves much of Britain unchanged

23-05-11

THE End of Days has brought death, demons and pestilence to the planet,
leaving many mid-sized UK towns the same or slightly better.

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As predicted by an insane old man, the Rapture descended shortly after Doctor Who on Saturday.

Britain’s dozen or so Christians were transported to a lovely garden on a cloud with soft beanbags, friendly wildlife and Enigma playing at ambient volume, while the country’s remaining humans began an eternity of torment.

However the resulting lakes of fire, jet-black skies and plagues of demonic entities have gone largely unnoticed in the hundreds of already depressing towns spread around the UK.

Tom Logan, from Bridgwater, said: “There’s a stench of sulphur, an atmosphere of terrifying hopelessness and someone or something just tried to bite my face off.

“All present and correct for a Saturday night in Bridgey. I noticed a bit more fire than usual but I find flames quite soothing.”

Nikki Ellis, of Derby, said: “I saw a group of lost souls in tattered clothing, gibbering and frothing at their mouths. But that was on Friday and it was the queue outside Cash Converters.”

Mother-to-two Emma Bradford lives in Penzance, where a horde of creatures straight out of the painting Garden of Earthly Delights is on a bloody rampage.

She said: “They’re scaly and bulbous-headed and they soil the streets with their demon fire-piss.

“And then they have a kebab.”

 

 

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