Bollocks is Britain’s first language

31-01-13

BOLLOCKS has replaced English as the UK’s mostly commonly spoken language, it has emerged.

Bollocks is often spoken loudly so everyone can hear

Bollocks is often spoken loudly so everyone can hear

The Institute for Studies found that most Britons were fluent speakers of bollocks, and could talk bollocks on almost any subject without the need for facts or logic.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Bollocks is a rich and vibrant language that enables the speaker to sound knowledgeable despite being what we linguists call ‘a knob’.

“For example, in English we might say ‘The cat sat on the mat’, whereas if we’re talking bollocks we say: ‘Did you know cats are descended from velociraptors? That’s why they’ve got claws.’

“Some subjects are more conducive to bollocks than others, for example football.

“An accomplished bollocks-speaker can leave the listener wondering why they aren’t managing an international club instead of sitting by a fruit machine in urine-stained trousers.

Taxi driver Norman Steele said: “It’s pretty much expected that cabbies can speak bollocks.

“If I haven’t made passengers feel deeply uncomfortable with an ill-informed rant about immigrants, I feel as though I haven’t done my job properly.”

Middle manager Nikki Hollis said: “A sound grasp of bollocks is a job requirement for me. How else would I be able to action a paradigm shift in our company’s strategic vision?”

Historians believe that bollocks was first spoken in 1649, originating from a group of rural freeloaders called the Blaggers.

In 1666 their leader Tom ‘I’m Taller Than I Am’ Logan wrote the first bollocks book I Punched A Bear And It Didn’t Even Do Anything.

 

 

  • Share:

  •  

    Bring-it-inside