Britain best in Europe at taking drugs


BRITAIN is the best country in Europe at getting toasted, according to new research.

The sort of thing that happens when British people take drugs

The sort of thing that happens when British people take drugs

Experts found that British highs are more intense and longer lasting and that our come-downs are more physically demanding and emotionally chaotic.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “The Germans over-think it and end up with a highly regimented way of getting buzzed.

“Their coke lines are very straight and their joints look like they were made in a factory. They scored nine for technical merit but only four for artistic interpretation.”

Professor Brubaker said that Spanish and Italian drug taking had improved because of their ruined economies, but the typical Latin high was still ‘messy, noisy and lacking in substance’.

Meanwhile, French drug taking was difficult to measure as it seemed to have no effect, one way or another, on the functioning of French society.

The study also found that the once mighty Dutch, who invented ‘total drug taking’ in the early 1970s, were now hampered by debates about coffee shops while British people were chomping pills simply because they come in such pretty colours.

Professor Brubaker added: “We are entering a golden age of being off your tits in Britain.

“The Olympics helped. A lot of people got excited but then realised it was just a lot of show-offs running around in circles and so they watched it while sucking on a massive, potent bong.

“The combination of powerful narcotics, constant flash photography and weird bicycle helmets created a drug experience so complete it could have been invented by Philip K Dick.

“Well done everyone. Absolutely splendid.”

  • Share:

  • Daily Mash shirts advert