Britain declared uninhabitable



BRITAIN is unsuitable for human life, the United Nations has confirmed.

Amid torrential rain, darkness and blade-like freezing winds that can actually slice your face off, the UN declared the country uninhabitable and began evacuation procedures.

A UN spokesman said: “We just want to get as many people out as possible, then we’ll figure out how to distribute them across nicer places, like Spain and Portugal.

“We’ll be sending helicopters in a few days, so keep watching during the I’m a Celebrity… ad breaks for details of where to rendezvous. Maximum two pieces of hand luggage each.

“In the meantime, just stay inside. Do not attempt to leave the house or even look out of the window, it’s far too psychologically damaging.”

Stephen Malley, from Doncaster, said: “I leave for work in freezing darkness and then I leave the office in freezing darkness.

“I’m sure this country is like a giant haunted house, it’s evil spirit trying everything to drive us out.”

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