Britain declared uninhabitable
BRITAIN is unsuitable for human life, the UN has declared.
As forecasters predict ice, snow, darkness and blade-like freezing winds that can actually slice your face off, the UN declared the country uninhabitable and began evacuation procedures.
A UN spokesman said: “We just want to get as many people out alive as possible, then we’ll figure out distributing them across pleasanter places like Spain.
“The weather is obviously a huge concern but Christmas adverts, middle class angst and the presence of Ed Balls’ face also make Britain a humanitarian crisis.
“We’ll be sending helicopters in about a week, keep watching during the X Factor ad breaks for details of where to rendezvous. Maximum two pieces of hand luggage each.
“In the meantime, just stay inside. Do not attempt to leave the house or even look out of the window, it’s far too psychologically damaging.”
Asked why the UN was not taking similar action in Scotland, the spokesman said: “The Scots thrive on misery. It’s like sunlight to them.”
British father-of-two Stephen Malley said: “I leave for work in freezing darkness and then I leave the office in freezing darkness.
“I’m sure this country is like a giant haunted house, actively trying to kill its inhabitants.”